He stepped on my shoe
I fell to the ground and moaned
I have a fetish

Such a pretty face
On the paper bag you wore
So I could pretend

They kidnapped my wife
They asked for fifty grand
I hung up the phone

I can’t go to sleep
The baby won’t stop crying
Put it back in you

Get to the Finish
Wait, it’s loading, almost done…
Congratulations!

She said she was cold
I covered her with the sheets
And farted all night

When you’re old and grey
I’ll still tell you I love you
And pull the trigger

A stranded island
Just me and my high school crush
And she’s unconscious

Click between the lights
Not as easy as it seems
Even with two mice

If I played guitar
Then I’d write you a love song
Thank god I can’t play

Two ducks start flying
I shoot once, twice, thrice, no luck
The dog laughs at me

Run, run, as fast as
You can, you can’t catch me, I’m
The Gingerbread man

My girlfriend dumped me
For the college quarterback
I respect her choice

What is funnel cake
If not a commentary
On racial issues?

When I was a boy
I learned that girls were different
No more girls for me

Pretty girl crying
And my lack of self-esteem
Keeps me where I am

Click once a minute
You can click even faster
But you won’t get points

They’re laughing with me!
But the joke’s not that funny…
They’re laughing at me.

Ron, the evil duck
I’d kill him,
but he’s a Notary Public

Die fluorescent lights
You think that pure white is best
You Nazi bastards

Only in the night
Moon is brightest in the sky
Blind people can’t tell

How much? That’s easy…
Six isn’t five OR seven!
I can’t get it right!

Where is the bathroom?
I thought it was over there
No, I’ll clean it up

Win or lose, who cares
I still have my Ferrari
Yes, that’s sarcasm

Don’t make mommy cry
You can tell her that you’re gay,
But use SUBTLETY

Please don’t break my heart
I just fixed it yesterday
With glue and liquor

“Press to launch missile?”
This can’t be a real button…
I’m in prison now

Look up at the sky
See how beautiful it is?
You’re the opposite.

You told me to stop
I pretended not to hear
I made a mistake

George can’t find a job
And he’s not going to get one
With his Ebola

You fell in my arms
And then whispered in my ear,
“Why did you shoot me?”

It’s Geometry
You can’t fit a square person
Into a round world

One-way street of love
I can’t drive my heart through your
Stalker traffic jam

Don’t shoot the puppy
It did nothing to hurt you
Except waste your time

Genie of the lamp
I want world peace, he says no
We get high instead

Life’s roller coaster
The people ahead of you
Puke on your future

What’s the site again?
R R R R that’s five R’s?
R R R R R?

Will strength.
Pure will strength Needs you for this.
To admit to seduction. Thanks.

Let’s go to the moon
Then we can pee on the Earth
And still beat it home

“Knock Knock.” “Uh, who’s there?”
“Elephant.” “Elephant who?”
“Elephantitis.”